If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Mine is totally this.
Genius.
Monday, 7 June 2010
Hero of the week.
http://www.deargirlsaboveme.com/
To be honest, I'm normally following the rest of the world at a frantic pace due to my constant being 3 or 4 months out of sync with everyone else's lives, so most of you have probably already discovered this gem, but if not, it's one of the funniest things I've read in while. Basic plot: two annoying girls have moved into the flat above this guy, and he blogs everything he is longing to say to them. This got me thinking about all those times you just WISH you could say something to certain frustrating individuals; when you think of a verbal smackdown so succinct and cutting, a comeback that Dr Cox himself would be proud of, that it destroys you a little bit that you don't say it all in the name of keeping the peace. So, I decided to write my own little notes. Not so much Dear Girls Above Me, more Dear General Douchebags.
Dear Old Woman I Saw In Accessorize,
"Are you going to say thank you?" Well, seeing as I held the door open for YOU, I doubt it. Your walking through said door has not really benefited my life in any way.
Dear Girl On The Bus,
"Are wolves real, Babe?" Literally too stupid to insult. It's yes by the way, despite what your wotsit-complexioned friend told you.
Dear Facebook Friend,
Your status the other day? You know the one: "going to proove to every1 dat im not stupid!". How ironic.
Dear 16 Year Old At The Ice Rink,
Trying to push girls over and stealing their possessions is not actually a successful seduction tactic. Can I recommend polite conversation?
Dear Boy Singing Outside My Window,
You have a lovely voice. I have an exam tomorrow. I don't think this relationship is going to work out.
Dear Whoever Invented Exams,
I speak on behalf of the entire student population when I say you deserve to be roundhouse kicked in the face. By somebody wearing steel toe boots.
Dear Go Compare Man,
I pray every day that you develop severe laryngitis.
Dear Liver,
I'm so sorry. For my entire freshers year. You've been a trooper, I promise to let you have a rest soon.
Dear Preggers,
I enjoyed the irony when I overheard you saying you were struggling with Farmville because your crops weren't fertile. Clearly, the same can't be said for you.
To be honest, I'm normally following the rest of the world at a frantic pace due to my constant being 3 or 4 months out of sync with everyone else's lives, so most of you have probably already discovered this gem, but if not, it's one of the funniest things I've read in while. Basic plot: two annoying girls have moved into the flat above this guy, and he blogs everything he is longing to say to them. This got me thinking about all those times you just WISH you could say something to certain frustrating individuals; when you think of a verbal smackdown so succinct and cutting, a comeback that Dr Cox himself would be proud of, that it destroys you a little bit that you don't say it all in the name of keeping the peace. So, I decided to write my own little notes. Not so much Dear Girls Above Me, more Dear General Douchebags.
Dear Old Woman I Saw In Accessorize,
"Are you going to say thank you?" Well, seeing as I held the door open for YOU, I doubt it. Your walking through said door has not really benefited my life in any way.
Dear Girl On The Bus,
"Are wolves real, Babe?" Literally too stupid to insult. It's yes by the way, despite what your wotsit-complexioned friend told you.
Dear Facebook Friend,
Your status the other day? You know the one: "going to proove to every1 dat im not stupid!". How ironic.
Dear 16 Year Old At The Ice Rink,
Trying to push girls over and stealing their possessions is not actually a successful seduction tactic. Can I recommend polite conversation?
Dear Boy Singing Outside My Window,
You have a lovely voice. I have an exam tomorrow. I don't think this relationship is going to work out.
Dear Whoever Invented Exams,
I speak on behalf of the entire student population when I say you deserve to be roundhouse kicked in the face. By somebody wearing steel toe boots.
Dear Go Compare Man,
I pray every day that you develop severe laryngitis.
Dear Liver,
I'm so sorry. For my entire freshers year. You've been a trooper, I promise to let you have a rest soon.
Dear Preggers,
I enjoyed the irony when I overheard you saying you were struggling with Farmville because your crops weren't fertile. Clearly, the same can't be said for you.
I think the world would be a better place...
...if we all took a leaf out of Holly Golightly's book.
It seems to me that glamour is not a timeless concept. In contrast to popular culture claims, diamonds are not forever. And while I applaud the fearless fashion flag that the women of 2010 are flying, I think the ageless elegance of past decades has been pushed to the back of a dusty shelf somewhere in the chaotic and cacophonous wardrobe of today. The noughties rewrote glamour to connote some half naked, half silicone Barbie we'd see on Page 3 of The Sun. Think of the virtual flawlessness of the women of the 1920s, 30s and 40s and there is no contest. These are the women who would not leave the house until every stand of hair was in place, every eyelash was coated in mascara and the omnipresent red lipstick had painted the perfect pout. Ironically, the true expression of timelessness has seemingly expired. I'd love to see some of the elegance of these decades make a comeback, but, controversially, without the 'modern twist' we insist of spinning on so many vintage looks. Its the age old "if it ain't broke" dynamic; in my eyes, 1920s, 30s and 40s fashion was perfect. It embodies the very essence of glamour. And while I'm not saying girls today don't emit elegance, I think it was done on a different level, and in a different way back in the day. The face of fashion today is so chaotic, with designers scrambling to send something fresh and exciting down the runway, that we are overlooking the fact that we have proven-to-work formulas written in our style past, just waiting to be unleashed on the modern world.
It seems to me that glamour is not a timeless concept. In contrast to popular culture claims, diamonds are not forever. And while I applaud the fearless fashion flag that the women of 2010 are flying, I think the ageless elegance of past decades has been pushed to the back of a dusty shelf somewhere in the chaotic and cacophonous wardrobe of today. The noughties rewrote glamour to connote some half naked, half silicone Barbie we'd see on Page 3 of The Sun. Think of the virtual flawlessness of the women of the 1920s, 30s and 40s and there is no contest. These are the women who would not leave the house until every stand of hair was in place, every eyelash was coated in mascara and the omnipresent red lipstick had painted the perfect pout. Ironically, the true expression of timelessness has seemingly expired. I'd love to see some of the elegance of these decades make a comeback, but, controversially, without the 'modern twist' we insist of spinning on so many vintage looks. Its the age old "if it ain't broke" dynamic; in my eyes, 1920s, 30s and 40s fashion was perfect. It embodies the very essence of glamour. And while I'm not saying girls today don't emit elegance, I think it was done on a different level, and in a different way back in the day. The face of fashion today is so chaotic, with designers scrambling to send something fresh and exciting down the runway, that we are overlooking the fact that we have proven-to-work formulas written in our style past, just waiting to be unleashed on the modern world.
Friday, 21 May 2010
Getting a bit of perspective.
So I was massively stressing about revision, and the ever growing pile of frantically highlighted notes that seem to be taking over my room. Then I started thinking about Jerry Springer, and I realised there are people who are a lot worse off. Some people have no idea who their baby daddy is, for example.
Saturday, 8 May 2010
I've just had a massive epiphany
I have no idea why I social network. Seriously, I know its nice to have a little nose. And the amount of scandal that goes down on that news feed is hard to argue with. But is a little bit of mindless online stalking really worth putting up with an annoyance of epic proportions. I am referring, of course, to the archetypal Facebook douchebag. I've been thinking, I might be a bit more choosy with who I accept as a friend. Maybe that way, I'll avoid things like this (seriously, if you've answered 'yes' to one or more of the following, please don't add me. or anyone. just, stay off the internet):
1. People who put song lyrics in their status. Especially anything remotely resembling Coldplay. You might think it makes you sound all deep and meaningful, but its just embarrassing for all involved.
2. One word: Farmville. When will it stop dicking all over my newsfeed? There is literally nothing in the world I care less about than how your imaginary wheat is harvesting on your imaginary farm. And I will never send you the 'free gift of an apple tree', so stop asking.
3. The generic 'I hate my life' status update. Especially when followed by 'I don't wanna talk about it.' Well, the trick there is probably to keep your problems (and I use this term very loosely) off the internet. This is precisely the reason that Facebook NEEDS to introduce a 'nobody gives a shit' button.
4. Anybody who writes the following in their 'about me' section: "I'm like Marmite, you either love me or you hate me". Seriously, I don't even mind Marmite, but saying that will definitely make me hate you. These are the same kind of people who wear kooky hats, and make it their 'thing' to hide the fact that they have absolutely no personality. Everyone's like "Oh yeah. I know John, always wears that hat." Have you ever properly spoken to this John character? My guess? Not so much going on upstairs.
5. Quite a lot of people don't fully understand what the word fan means. Generally it means to like and support something. So, why then, is my homepage plagued with people 'becoming a fan' of ridiculously cringe groups like 'I wish I could erase you from my life.' You're a FAN of that feeling are you? You LIKE it? Really?
6. Facebook can be a bit of a sarky twat sometimes. Like, my Mum just joined 2010 and got on board, so she's got about 15 friends at the minute. The other day, a little message popped up saying she 'ONLY has 15 friends'. God, rub in why don't you?
7. So. many. spelling. mistakes.
8. People who take photos of how much alcohol they've drank like it warrants some sort of medal.
9. Similar to number 4, but people who's 'about me' section contains the phrase "I always say what's on my mind." Yeah, that doesn't make you 'real', it actually makes you a sociopath.
10. People who put involve their middle names in their user name. Or even worse, some shit little nickname, like Joe 'Nutter' Bloggs, that they are under the impression everyone calls them . In reality, it's probably more like that episode of Friends when Ross tries to make everyone call him 'The Ross-a-tron' and nobody does and its really awkward.
11. People getting all mental because somebody denied their friend request. Look, just calm down, realise its only Facebook and just move on with your life.
12. 9 year old joining groups such as 'I FORT HE LUVED ME BUT HE JST BROKE MY HART'.Come on, go and listen to some Justin Bieber and get over it.
All this douchery aside though, Facebook can be a source of comedy gold. Have you ever been on Lamebook.com? Seriously, go on it. Right now. It's dedicated to all the massive fails ever to grace our newsfeeds, and it single handedly ruining my chances of ever getting a degree. Amazing.
1. People who put song lyrics in their status. Especially anything remotely resembling Coldplay. You might think it makes you sound all deep and meaningful, but its just embarrassing for all involved.
2. One word: Farmville. When will it stop dicking all over my newsfeed? There is literally nothing in the world I care less about than how your imaginary wheat is harvesting on your imaginary farm. And I will never send you the 'free gift of an apple tree', so stop asking.
3. The generic 'I hate my life' status update. Especially when followed by 'I don't wanna talk about it.' Well, the trick there is probably to keep your problems (and I use this term very loosely) off the internet. This is precisely the reason that Facebook NEEDS to introduce a 'nobody gives a shit' button.
4. Anybody who writes the following in their 'about me' section: "I'm like Marmite, you either love me or you hate me". Seriously, I don't even mind Marmite, but saying that will definitely make me hate you. These are the same kind of people who wear kooky hats, and make it their 'thing' to hide the fact that they have absolutely no personality. Everyone's like "Oh yeah. I know John, always wears that hat." Have you ever properly spoken to this John character? My guess? Not so much going on upstairs.
5. Quite a lot of people don't fully understand what the word fan means. Generally it means to like and support something. So, why then, is my homepage plagued with people 'becoming a fan' of ridiculously cringe groups like 'I wish I could erase you from my life.' You're a FAN of that feeling are you? You LIKE it? Really?
6. Facebook can be a bit of a sarky twat sometimes. Like, my Mum just joined 2010 and got on board, so she's got about 15 friends at the minute. The other day, a little message popped up saying she 'ONLY has 15 friends'. God, rub in why don't you?
7. So. many. spelling. mistakes.
8. People who take photos of how much alcohol they've drank like it warrants some sort of medal.
9. Similar to number 4, but people who's 'about me' section contains the phrase "I always say what's on my mind." Yeah, that doesn't make you 'real', it actually makes you a sociopath.
10. People who put involve their middle names in their user name. Or even worse, some shit little nickname, like Joe 'Nutter' Bloggs, that they are under the impression everyone calls them . In reality, it's probably more like that episode of Friends when Ross tries to make everyone call him 'The Ross-a-tron' and nobody does and its really awkward.
11. People getting all mental because somebody denied their friend request. Look, just calm down, realise its only Facebook and just move on with your life.
12. 9 year old joining groups such as 'I FORT HE LUVED ME BUT HE JST BROKE MY HART'.Come on, go and listen to some Justin Bieber and get over it.
All this douchery aside though, Facebook can be a source of comedy gold. Have you ever been on Lamebook.com? Seriously, go on it. Right now. It's dedicated to all the massive fails ever to grace our newsfeeds, and it single handedly ruining my chances of ever getting a degree. Amazing.
Thursday, 6 May 2010
Do we really trust a man who looks this much like a slice of ham to run the country?
seriously, it's uncanny.
Friday, 23 April 2010
So I saw this thing on TV, right?
It was about offensive jokes, and how far people go to get a laugh. This is always been a bit of a polarising issue. You've got team "nothing is 'too risqué' when it comes to comedy", then there's team "too far". But I was thinking, we can hardly take the moral high ground when we obviously enjoy a below-the-belt joke or two. I mean, someone must be laughing, otherwise comedians wouldn't bother. Life's full of shenanigans that are more that suitable to crack a joke about, so what it is about the dodgy territory that really gets us?
Here's my theory: it's the age old "I was just saying what you were all thinking" dynamic. When it comes to punchlines that makes us cringe, I reckon we laugh out of nervousness, in a "did I just hear that right? way, a little bit shock and because most of the time, they shed a little light on topics that we wouldn't have the guts to joke about. The one thing that pisses me off though, is when people are just offensive for the sake of it. Those kinda people are like Jedward; unnecessary and the opposite of amusing. I personally think comedy has to be clever for it to work. People say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but have they forgotten about 'your mum' jokes? So simple. So unfunny.
Well anyway, my point, in a roundabout way, is that in the big pie chart of life, the proportion of serious to satire is way off. We need people to spin a little light-heartedness on things. Besides, maybe people will stop being offensive when we stop laughing at it?
Did you know as well, laughing for 15 seconds adds 2 days to your life span? Can't argue with that.
Here's my theory: it's the age old "I was just saying what you were all thinking" dynamic. When it comes to punchlines that makes us cringe, I reckon we laugh out of nervousness, in a "did I just hear that right? way, a little bit shock and because most of the time, they shed a little light on topics that we wouldn't have the guts to joke about. The one thing that pisses me off though, is when people are just offensive for the sake of it. Those kinda people are like Jedward; unnecessary and the opposite of amusing. I personally think comedy has to be clever for it to work. People say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but have they forgotten about 'your mum' jokes? So simple. So unfunny.
Well anyway, my point, in a roundabout way, is that in the big pie chart of life, the proportion of serious to satire is way off. We need people to spin a little light-heartedness on things. Besides, maybe people will stop being offensive when we stop laughing at it?
Did you know as well, laughing for 15 seconds adds 2 days to your life span? Can't argue with that.
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